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Step Outside.

Something that has been playing on my mind a lot recently in comfort zones, and stepping outside of them - I'm pretty sure I've been heading more toward the centre of my comfort zone, spending more and more time at home in my own company - and I've gotta tell you not a whole happens in the middle of comfort.

I'm quite introverted and very shy, I think as I've grown into my somewhat adult self, I have found myself becoming more introverted and shy than ever, surely it's supposed to go the other way?! Often I find myself saying no to experiences or even spending time with friends because I could possibly be put somewhat out of my comfort zone. In turn, I've become a bit of a hermit, spending a lot of Saturday nights (well every night) home in my Pj's indulging in a little too much Netflix. Alongside feeling socially well, fucked, I'm also not experiencing all that much. I'm not meeting new people, I'm not going to new places and I'm not really having a great time either. I do still spend time with my really close lovely friends, but outside of that very small group, I don't have much of a life. I have no problem with having a small group of friends, I love my little group of friends, and I would never want to change that. Nonetheless, this does not mean I should be terrified of meeting new people or interacting with strangers, or even acquaintances and I irrational fear of this should not prevent me from experiencing a life beyond my bedroom.

I keep finding myself not doing things which I have a desire to do, out of a fear of change, a fear of trying something new and experiencing something different.

For example, as part of my Uni course, we did life drawing once a week, and I love every second of it, I never felt more relaxed than when I was in my own little world concentrating on my drawing, and putting all my energy into creating lines on paper. Since moving back home (over two years ago), I've missed those Friday mornings life drawing. I have also researched where I could go for life drawing in my local area, yet still, I've not been. In my head, I think it's a nice idea... but what if something embarrassing happens? What if I have to talk to new people? What if I don't feel welcome there? What if I realise I'm really really rubbish at drawing? And well, at the end of the day, what if these things happen? Yes, it might be uncomfortable, but is the world going to end? No, it's bloody well not. And if it's an unpleasant experience I don't go back, but at least I've killed the curiosity. These questions seem to create mist across what I want to do, rather than walk through the mist until I can see clearly, I opt for not leaving the house - but I'm never going to get anywhere if I don't move.

Not that I get invited to many, but the blogging events I do get invited to, I don't attend. I always have a valid excuse, it's too far to travel, I'm busy that day, I can't afford the travel , etc etc, but the main reason is, it's way outside of my comfort zone. Firstly there being around new people, who I've never met, having to make small talk - there is nothing I dislike more than small talk! I have 0 desire to talk about the weather,  and I'd be very surprised to hear somebody else enjoyed discussing last night rain - water has fallen from the sky every now and then for the entirety of my life, I'm completely over that that happens now, and I'm sure you've come to term with it too. I'd rather sit in silence than have an uncomfortable, forced conversation, that however is deemed unacceptable and rude. 

With all these thoughts buzzing around my busy head (seriously a lot goes on in considering my pea of a head), I not really taken the time to think, what is it's not awkward? I already know the people attending these events have a lot in common with me, and what if I actually find myself connecting with people, heck I could even make friends. Connecting with someone and making small talk are worlds apart - but you never really know which you are going to get. However, I believe one valuable conversation holds a so much more meaning than an evening wasted on small talk. So what if I go to a blogger event, and I'm right, and it's awkward and I feel uncomfortable and I have to talk about myself which I don't particularly like doing - what if in this time, I find one person whose conversation inspires me, is it worth the rest of it? Yes, it is. - However not going I'm cutting off the experience altogether. And if I go to these things, and it's a pile a crap - it's still going to build my confidence, which I'm sure you're realising reading this is definitely something I need to work on. I'm all about the self-improvement, and I want to start experiencing more. I'm sure it will do a world of wonders for my writing and my social skills.

So all in all, with my ramble over, I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's time to start walking through the mist. I'll keep you updated on my experiences as I attempt to start stepping outside a little more (both outside my house and my comfort zone), I'm sure I'll have some funny stories to tell (which will only be funny to me in hindsight, once I'm over the awkward feeling), and I'm sure I'll meet some valuable people, and memorable experiences as soon as I start saying yes a little more. Wish me luck!


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